Pop Shield

Return to Sender

It’s Friday afternoon. I receive an internal corporation email entitled ‘Table of Love’ from somebody called Julia. It reads.

“Few bits of food on the table of love from Markson’s Family Butchers in Belper. Sausages, Faggots and Black Pudding.”

Well, that’s very nice. I wonder where these delightful food stuffs are. I double-click on the sender’s name to see who Julia is. She is a broadcast assistant in Derby. Hmm, ok. I reckon she probably didn’t mean to send this email to me. I look at the recipient address to see that it reads “Radio – All Staff”. Seeing as there’s a good 20,000 people working for the corporation, I’m guessing this email has gone to a few other inboxes as well as mine.

The replies-to-all start rolling in thick and fast.

From Stephen, a producer in London: Subject: Table Of Love. “Fabulous – I hope there’s enough to go round.”

From Nigel, a supervisor in Bristol: Subject: Table Of Love. “And to satisfy Bristol as well….?”

From Sarah, a coordinator in Salford: Subject: Table Of Love. “And Salford :-). “

From Sadiq, an assistant in Birmingham: Subject: Table Of Love. Hi. I don’t understand why this is a Radio-All Staff email? However, are these sausages Halal? Please do not reply.

Then an email arrives from our leader. It has a red exclamation mark on it. It must be very important. I read it. Subject: All Radio Email. “On no account should you respond to the email that has recently been sent to ‘Radio – All Staff’ by a lady named Julia. It has clearly been sent in error and all replies go to all staff right across Radio. This is potentially hurtful for the person who has made the error and it doesn’t reflect well on anybody who makes the situation worse.”

Right, that’s put the barbecue out. Back to work everyone.

March 13, 2014

Zen And The Art Of Air Drumming

I’m sitting in a Little Sister workshop doing some work. I become aware of a pounding thump above my head. I am sitting directly below one of the Nations Favourite’s studios. I look at the Little Sister workshop clock. Looks like it didn’t survive the hour change again. Instead of getting itself in the usual perpetual 4pm pickle, it’s stuck on old time, one hour fast. Some simple arithmetic leads me to conclude that Zen Hoots is on air above me.

Zen Hoots is a drummer in his spare time. The thumping overhead is at a reasonable meter. I select Nations Favourite to an outside source fader and fade it up on my desk. Aha, it’s gibberish classic ‘Do Da Do Da Ron Ron Ron Ron’ from The Decanters. The thump fits perfectly. A familiar voice starts back announcing the record. Thump stops.

Jerry Wobegon used to do the same except his foot never stopped tapping after he had opened the mic. Causing the ducking unit to go quackers.

March 11, 2014

Radio Gold

As you know, I am not a massive fan of awards ceremonies. I attended one his evening, for Rupert’s sake, as a programme we and G worked on was up for a technical excellence award. It was only when the category was called that I became suddenly clammy at the prospect of potentially being pushed on mic by my colleagues without having given a moment’s thought to what to say.

I breathed a sigh of relief when Mike, Rupert and Roger Andrews won the category for a different production and shuffled up on the stage in their anoraks. Looking rather like a bunch of technicians that had just won an award.

Later in the show, it transpired that a session that I had mixed for Bucket FM had won the Most Distinctive Moment Of The Year award. I can still recall the planning of this show with some affection. I am sure that had the contents been submitted to the judges that they would have awarded us for the Best Email Chain In The Technical Planning Of A Radio Session award.

See what you think.

________________________________________

——- Original Message ——-

From: Roger Andrews

Sent: Tuesday, April 30, 2013 05:10 PM

To: Nick; Pop

Cc: Sam

Subject: Ricardo The Bard

HI Nick and Pop

so Ricardo The Bard is a spoken word MC

and his set up fits the lounge to a T.

He’ll have a bass player, piano and ‘tings

and four vocalists with him, each of which sings.

The start time will be 10 am o’clock

and they will rehearse till the bands starts to rock

on air will be at about midday,

and hopefully for that you will stay.

I am likely to be unavoidably detained,

due to a breakfast show tour that’s been previously arranged.

I’m sure that you will find this is ok

and will mix as usual from 28A

Piano

4 BV’s

lead vocal

bass

Roger

Roger Andrews

Senior Producer for Live Music

YouthTube / Bucket FM

The Corporation

roger.andrews@corp.co.uk

________________________________________

On 30 Apr 2013, at 17:29, Sam wrote:

Pop and Nick

Make it slick

Go with the flow

Mix real slow

For Roger bro

Who can’t make the party

Cos he got to go do Grotty.

Sam

________________________________________

From: Pop Shield

Sent: Tuesday, April 30, 2013 5:30 AM

To: Sam

Cc: Roger Andrews; Nick

Subject: Re: Ricardo The Bard

Roger – OMG! You got dat rhyme down to a Dogg Cuppa T (referencing when Nick politely offered rapper Mr Dogg a corporation cup of tea)

And Sammy too, you riddim sublime! You two are like Roger and Hammerstein.

So go dotty wit Grotty like a superfly guy. On me and slick Nick you can rely!

Pop

——————————————-

This e-mail (and any attachments) is confidential and may contain personal views which are not the views of The Corporation unless they are the views of The Corporation. If you have received it in error, please forward it to your address list. Please use, copy and disclose the information in any way you wish and act in reliance on it and do not notify the sender. Please note that The Corporation often loses e-mails sent or received. Further communication will signify your approval of this.

March 2, 2014

Introducing….The Easy-BV HeadRoom

Is the band-member with sticks spoiling your mix? Is spill making you ill? Well, your singing drummer nightmares are over now thanks to a brand-new product from Ta La Industries, who brought you the world famous Re-Scouser plug-in. Part of the new Easy-BV range, the HeadRoom provides an acoustically transparent and 93.7% effective isolated recording space within which to record or amplify a drummer’s – or indeed anyone’s – live vocals while they pound away to their heart’s content. No more overdubs or ruined sessions with The Easy-BV HeadRoom. Try one today. We guarantee you will be four-to-the-floored!

Features:

* Comfortable fit with openings either side for use of in-ear monitors (not provided).

* Anti-misting transparent polycarbonate front visor for full eye contact with other band members.

* Multi-layered shell HeadCase allowing multi-frequency absorbency.

* Inbuilt boundary microphone with frequency agile, microprocessor-controlled transmitter – no need for messy cables.

* Proprietary noise-cancelling technology.

* Fully breathable.

* Mind-controlled thermostatic regulation.

* Pulse click generator mode.

* Battery level indicator.

* Programmable mute function.

* Not suitable for brass players.

What two of our three users say…

“I never leave the house without it. That said, I haven’t much call to go out anymore.”

Tom “Tom-Tom” Tompkins – lead singer of one-man-band Spaghetti Disenfranchisement.

“How you say in Leeferpoule? Ah, yes…. It’s Easy-BV Japanesey! Ahaha!”

Gringo Starr – drummer and backing vocalist for Spanish tribute band Olé Jude (formerly Obladada).

March 1, 2014

Noiseless Pollution

Stage Two have been complaining that ‘The Noiseless Discotheque’ is too loud. Brilliant.

Gallery | February 28, 2014

Leaf It Out!

Image | February 7, 2014

In case you had been wondering what the beeps look like in real life…

February 6, 2014

Woo Two

At the end of a tense day in the studio, there’s nowt worse than back-timing your required sleep only to discover that you should already be in bed. Except you’re on the steamed-up top deck of a drizzly London bus in the dark in the middle of a tube strike and forty miles from home. Your hair needs washing and you are down to your last quarter tank of petrol.

So, I’m on the bus fiddling with my phone like every other member of the species. I look up ‘Cheeky Delinquent’ on Wonkypedia. We had Cheeky Delinquent in session for Shane Zealand today. And very good he was too. Something I did not appreciate during the session about Cheeky D is that his stage name was derived from the world famous online Woo Name Generator. Way to go.

Followers of this blog may recall the events of Mudstock 2011 when I somehow instigated what turned out to be the exclusive use of Woo Name Generator monikers by the Parallelogram Stage truck and stage crew. This ran throughout the line check for the Woo Woo Gang and indeed for the majority of the Mudstock weekend. It was the dream gang… Scratchin Leader and Smilin’ Dreamer on the knobs, Arrogant Conqueror and me on stage coms, with X-Pert Professional on the F ‘n’ Geoff. Those were the days when Shiny was a Ruff Begga and Eusabio a mere Undiscovered Bum.

If only I had known this fact a few hours ago, I could have happily called Simon ‘Thunderous Menace’ all day long. And, in turn, answered strictly to the name of Wacko Pupil. Oh well.

Quote of the day today is awarded, typically, to Mr Menace…

“Unfortunately the famous Corporation red light is broken. Just like the rest of The Corporation. So this is my mouth telling you that we’re recording. Which we are.”

And as I sit in a stationary train carriage in the middle of a failed signal in the Olly Polly area, it feels like the famous Corporation red light is not the only thing broken today. Next stop – daybreak!

February 5, 2014

Beep Beep Hooray!

Followers of this blog will know that I am a fan of the London Time Signal. You may recall my story about the day the beeps showed up late on Jack Daniel’s show – with a leap pip in tow, no less.

Well today marks the 90th birthday of the beeps.

They were designed in 1924 by the Corporations General Director Lord Ron Teeth and a Royal astronomer named Hank Sideboffin. The were generated from a mechanical dinosaur in an observatory in Greenwich.

The last long pip was not born until 1974, so it is only forty years old.

Image | January 31, 2014

Introducing…The Unity Gain Game! The other day, whilst mixing in The Lounge, I set Eusabio a sad little challenge. By ‘sad’ I mean fun. By ‘challenge’ I mean mix three vocals, a keyboard and a presenter live to air WITHOUT TOUCHING ANY FADERS. All faders must remain on 0. It was a success.