Pop Shield

t’s time for charming Victorian scarecrow Rusty Claypole’s show live on Nations Favourite, and I’m in the hot seat.  Indie rock widow Chardonnay Rose shows up as an impromptu guest.  She waltzes directly into the studio via door off the corridor while the mics are open.  Then she just starts chatting, off-mic, like she is playing an extra in a party scene of a movie.  Not INTERRUPTING A LIVE RADIO SHOW.  Rusty makes a joke about her ditzy behaviour and manages to bring her closer to a microphone.  He then announces to the nation that Chardonnay Rose will be singing live in session after the next record.

I am beyond displeased. “That’s ridiculous!” I splutter.

“Oh, it will be ok”, says the producer.

“Oh no it won’t!” I harrumph.

Naturally, it wasn’t.  During the three-minute record, I run down the corridor to the kit cupboard, run back, rig an acoustic guitar mic, point it towards a man who has bumbled in. Presumably to play guitar, but your guess is good as mine.  Just time to run back into the control room, dial up the channel, check it’s all working and sprinkle a little fairy dust on it.  The only problem being that upon returning to my seat with seconds to go, I find none other than PETE MCINTYRE THE HYPNOTIST parked in it. Oh, this just gets better and better.

“Excuse me!”

“Hey, if you want me to help do all this, that’s fine, I used to work in local radio.”

“No thank you!”

There then ensues a lot more screeching into microphones, returning my job to an exercise in distortion-limitation.

The programme ends and the studio fills with this entourage who are laughing and drinking champagne and eating sushi while I try and retrieve headphones off the floor and derig the studio around them. Oh, the glamour.

I am on air on the Nations Favourite early show.  The travel news is being read at breakneck speed.  The M25 in trouble again. A little voice comes on the talkback.

“Did she say ‘cockwise’?”

It is the voice of Jerry Wobegon.

The cleaning staff at East House (before it was renamed Wobegon House) are lovely.  Many of them go about their merry way totally oblivious of what is going on. They regularly try to get into studios to empty the bins while faced with an amber In Network light, and sometimes a red Mic Live too.

Since the studios were refurbished, some live areas have entrances leading directly off the corridor.  Making it entirely possible for somebody with their own agenda to barge in without having had to pass through the cubicle for permission. Like Chardonnay Rose for example. Not ideal. Apparently Catering wheeled a tea trolley straight into the middle of a live panel discussion on ABC1 one afternoon.

Jack Daniel decides to capitalise on the comic value of this by attempting to bring a cleaner who speaks very little English into the studio to hoover while the Nations Favourite is on air. The poor guy looks bewildered and tries to leave.  He knows he is not supposed to be in the live studio.  But Jack charms him into staying and hoovering with the mics open. After initial confusion, he goes with the flow, and takes it all in good faith.  Welcome to zoo radio.