Pop Shield

Here are some of the more unusual on-air audio requests I have received so far this afternoon.

Request 1: A ‘full mono-down’ for [South African singer] Mariam Mikarba.
Reason: “Needles have gone too apartheid. All on one side. Hate that.”

Request 2: A ‘slight mono-down’ for [90’s chart-topper] Gisella.
Reason: “Because she’s only got one eye.”

Request 3: A ‘slow, gradual mono-down’ for [60’s sensations] The Bugs.
Reason: “Because they had that deaf producer who put everything in one ear.”

Me: “Good afternoon, I’d like to book a piece of equipment please.”

Patronising Equipment Centre Operative: “Certainly, what would you like.”

Me: “I’d like a Nagra LB please.”

Patronising Equipment Centre Operative: “The LB!  You are brave!”

Me: “Brave? Why is that?”

Patronising Equipment Centre Operative: “Because it’s very complicated to use.  Normally they want the BB.”

Me: “Oh.  Nope, definitely the LB please.”

Patronising Equipment Centre Operative: “Alright.  Charge code?”

It’s 3.45am and I crawl out of bed as quietly as I can and slip outside onto the landing.  Today I’m going to approach things a bit differently – rather than get a car from home I’m going to get into my misted-up Fiesta and drive fifteen minutes through the starry night to the nearest station to park up there instead.  I didn’t sleep too well being slightly anxious about the new arrangement, but it all goes fine and by 5.40am I am safely at work.

Today is Sunday. I’m working with Hilary and a presenter called Deepak Kapoor who I have not worked with before.  I’ve been copied into an email to him and am impressed that his email address is Howdeepakisyourlove@xxxxxxx.com.

The first thing that I do is try to get ahead with rigging for the three live music acts coming in later that morning to perform live on Jerry Wobegon’s show.  This involves lumping around the very heavy Nations Favourite house keyboard and a multitude of mic stands, amps and DI boxes.  I feel a little bit weak, time for tea.

As I sit drinking tea and chatting with Hilary, I set about getting the studio ready for Deepak who has yet to arrive.  I think nothing of it, as I’m used to certain presenters flying in with minutes to go. “Will the set-up be the same as Jane has it?” I ask. “Ah, yes I think so” says Hilary.  So, I configure the desk so that Deepak has control over the mic faders and I have control over all the other sources.

At 6.40am, about twenty minutes before we are due to go on air, we are still awaiting our presenter. Hilary says, “I’m worried about Deepak, time is getting short and it’s very unlike him to not let me know if he is going to be late.”  This rings alarm bells in my mind.  Between the two of us we get thinking on our feet.  We are currently in a one-hour tape which finishes at 7am, followed by a three-minute news bulletin, then us. Hilary tries to get hold of the last presenter who has already left the building and is on voicemail.  He only lives four miles away and is probably tucked up in bed.  I dig out my list of long records suitable in an emergency which I compiled for if an OB falls off air on Little Sister Radio.  I start scouring the pre-complied playlist tracks for extra-long records and dragging them into the schedule, asking Hilary to say which ones she prefers.

Hilary meanwhile wakes up Mike the duty editor.  He is somewhat croaky having launched an 80’s show the night before, after which the team decided to relive their younger years by going to a nightclub.  His ability to recover from this kind of event is not what it was in the 80’s, however Mike is helpful and reassuring in what to do, as is Hilary’s colleague, who suggests the name of a reverend with broadcasting skills who lives locally.

Meanwhile I try to call the newsreader in The Mothership, but he is not picking up nor answering my shout outs down the talkback.  I phone the Broadcast Manager and let him know that I am taking the network and going on air without a show but that we are currently working on getting one of three presenters to come in.

And with the out-words of the newsreader I play a jingle followed by the unedited eight-and-a-half-minute full length version of American Pie segued into Abide With Me, a jingle, Innocent Man, a trail, Let the Sunshine In then crossfade to a scripted track so that it finishes on the dot of 0730 into a generic news strapline I’ve found on the system.  It is our hope that we can get through to half past seven news, then resume out of the news from page 5 of the script with whichever presenter arrives.

During this time Hilary has made contact with the reverend and amazingly he is in a position to come in.  He has never done the show before, but Hilary says she’ll tell him everything he needs to know when he gets here.  He is en route when Hilary gets a text from Deepak that reads “I’M COMING!!!”  Of course, everyone arrives at once, all with their shirts skew whiff: our first live guest; closely followed by the reverend; and finally poor Deepak who is really upset.  He was staying in a hotel for the night, had an early night and then slept through his phone alarm.

At 0728 I go into the studio where Deepak has sat down. I introduce myself and say “Ok, so just to check you are happy to go live at 0731 and that you will fade up the mic and I’ll do everything else.”  “No!  I can’t do that!“, he gasps.  I look at him quizzically.  “I’ve never done the mics before!”  “Oh, ok, that’s no problem, leave it with me” I reply. I place a green light on his desk and hotfoot it through to the control room, where I start twiddling mic and group fader inputs and gain and compression settings as fast as my racing heart will let me.  News jingle, fade up the one-minute news bulletin, fumble for abandoned script, cue up jingle and first record and off we go.  Jingle, segue record, dip during the intro for Deepak’s voiceover, fade up Deepak’s un-EQ’d mic expecting the worse.  But miraculously, the ideas do come out of his head, his voice does come out of his mouth, his mic does come up on the desk through the mic group, and it all goes out on the radio.  During ‘Happy Together’ I run through, and check Deepak is ok. He doesn’t look very ok.  “Do you need a hug?“ I ask.  He looks forlorn.  “Yes, I need a hug and a strong coffee please.” “Oh, poor you” say I.

And so there I am, live on air on the wrong side of the glass at silly o’clock in the morning hugging a big religious man in a turban who I’ve never met before.  And it feels like the most normal thing in the world.  It just goes to show that no matter how professional anyone tries to be, we are all human.

An aside: In the light of this event, I wonder if Deepak will change his email address to Howdeepakisyoursleep@xxxxxxx.com.

The Nations Favourite is usually a comfortable place where people would like any change to take place gradually, and preferably not at all. We like it nice and steady. However, we are now in the middle of a complicated computer upgrade which is causing a certain amount of turmoil for everyone. Take today. One of the two main studios is out of commission which means that our third studio is having to house a host of other shows.

When I arrive, the studio is upside down as it is has been left rigged for an earlier show.  I set about trying to re-Wrong the mics and the playout machines at the same time as getting the record machines up and running. The new computers have been intermittently recording corrupted audio, so the old ones have been rushed back in. The old machines are recording on the wrong sample rate, so I change this over – during which time and I discover that one of them is not recording at all. The editing software and the scheduling software can no longer talk to each other, so the audio has to be loaded onto a memory stick and physically moved onto the new system. The mouse on the new system computer is frozen so I cannot use it. I cannot get either fixed because any time anyone from the project team goes anywhere near the studio Dave yells at them to GO AWAY. It’s workaround central.

Meanwhile Dave is jet-lagged, and his new hardware controller is laid out in such a way that it is easy to effectively cut the top off a piece of audio a few seconds before it is played out. This happens on a pre-recorded as-live section during our live show. On the day that we have a new network switching system being trialled. And there is a practise fire drill mid transmission. During which Suzie Travel’s comms box goes down and emits just hum.  It’s all going great.

On the bright side, we have three important celebrity guests coming in to prerecord their interviews.  The first is the diminutive vintage comedic raconteur Reg Nisbett, for which I decide there is both practicality and comedy value to be had by running into the studio and lowering the guest mic and raising the chair before Reg arrives.  I make a bit of a song and dance about it to Dave and his sidekick Jim for their benefit.  They laugh.

Reg comes in wearing an eye-dazzling purple waistcoat.  He is really a lot shorter than I imagined.  I remain composed.  After we are done, Dave interviews the Hollywood child star that played Barry Trotter.  For this, I run in and reset the chair and mic to their normal height.

Once we’re done, I ask Starbooker who is coming in next.  It’s the dwarf comic actor Warren Jones” he says. “Are you serious?” I reply. “You could have at least booked them in height order!”

I decide there is further comedic and practical benefit in running through to the studio between guests and further lowering the mic and raising the chair.  Again, Dave and Jim seem to enjoy the gag. Then Warren arrives and he is much much smaller than I could have ever imagined.  He is delightful, and when he goes into the studio, I have a moment of panic when I think I might have set the chair too high for him to climb onto.  However, he has no problem at all and deftly jumps up.  The mic is still too high for him, but he has eye contact over the top, which is the main thing.

After we have finished Dave gets on the talkback to me.  ”I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! So, you came in and lowered the mic for Reg and then you had to come in and LOWER IT AGAIN for Warren.  You will remember this day forever!”, he says.

With a cheeky smile in my mind, I sincerely hope I do.

My mate Mate has reminded me that the world is waiting with bated breath for a Vigil update. Has our hero been playlisted by Nations Favourite yet? When we left him on the street one month ago, he had set up a protest camp right outside the building with a vast cardboard placard reading I’M NOT LEAVING UNTIL OCTOBER WHEN UNI STARTS.

Well. The following day I see him again. He is sat outside looking very very very bored. His cardboard sign is weighed down by big books. I wish he would read one to alleviate the bored face, but he doesn’t. Something else new: His song is being played on repeat on a ghetto blaster. Hmm. Perhaps my marketing pep talk about how he needed to bring some audio with him to hand out to interested parties has backfired.

A couple more days later, when I approach work, the guy is nowhere to be seen. So, I ask reception about him. Oh, they say, I think he has been moved on by the police.

I don’t suspect there will be a fifth episode of this story, but you never know. Rest assured, I will keep you posted if there is.

Dave Wrong has just interviewed the strikingly beautiful pop judge Kacey Kay. As she leaves the studio she peers over the producer’s shoulder and reads his checklist. “So that’s me done – tick! Who’s next, then?” “It’s Christopher Head” says The Face. “Oh, really” she replies. Then under her breath “…now THAT’S an unfortunate surname.”