Pop Shield

A year on into changed operations due to the virus. A vast sea of remote recordings, phone calls, virtual meetings, waving through windows and wiping down talkback buttons.

I’m in the studio, on the last of a succession of interviews we’re recording over the phone this afternoon, for the legendary radio DJ Dave Wrong.

Mr Tickle calls up the personal assistant of androgynous 80’s pop sensation Porgy Bess on a mobile phone.

“Hi Cassandra. It’s Mr Tickle the producer. I’ll pass you over to Pop our studio engineer today.”

Meanwhile I’m trying to wrap up another call to the Engineering Tech Support Helpline. The guy at the other end is talking a lot, because he’s lonely just like everyone else.

“I better call you back later with that asset number” I say. “Got Porgy Bess on the line”.

Mr Tickle passes me a mobile phone through the door with his extraordinarily long arm, which luckily extends well over the recommended two metres.

“Thanks Mr Tickle. Hi Cassandra. It’s Pop.”

“Hi Pop. Porgy is winding up on another call. He won’t be long.”

I inform Dave and his two remote co-hosts. “Porgy Bess is just on his way. I’ll patch him through in just a minute.” (I say ‘just’ a lot.)

Then. “Hello?”

I suddenly and inexplicably get flustered whether I should address our guest as Porgy or Bess. So, I plump for neither.

“Ah! Hello, welcome! It’s Pop the engineer”

“Hello.”

“You OK?” we both say at the same time in a pandemic kind of tone.

“Good thanks” we reply.

Then “Who am I talking to?” says Porgy. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Pop. I’m just Dave’s engineer. If you’re good to go, I’ll patch you through to him now.”

“NO!!! You’re not JUST an engineer POOP!!! You’re not JUST anything! From now you must always say “MY NAME IS POOP AND I AM TRIUMPHANT. OK?”

“Ha ha. OK. Noted”.

“Yeah right. You definitely gotta say that back to him next time” says Dave to me afterwards.