Pop Shield

The Nations Favourite is usually a comfortable place where people would like any change to take place gradually, and preferably not at all. We like it nice and steady. However, we are now in the middle of a complicated computer upgrade which is causing a certain amount of turmoil for everyone. Take today. One of the two main studios is out of commission which means that our third studio is having to house a host of other shows.

When I arrive, the studio is upside down as it is has been left rigged for an earlier show.  I set about trying to re-Wrong the mics and the playout machines at the same time as getting the record machines up and running. The new computers have been intermittently recording corrupted audio, so the old ones have been rushed back in. The old machines are recording on the wrong sample rate, so I change this over – during which time and I discover that one of them is not recording at all. The editing software and the scheduling software can no longer talk to each other, so the audio has to be loaded onto a memory stick and physically moved onto the new system. The mouse on the new system computer is frozen so I cannot use it. I cannot get either fixed because any time anyone from the project team goes anywhere near the studio Dave yells at them to GO AWAY. It’s workaround central.

Meanwhile Dave is jet-lagged, and his new hardware controller is laid out in such a way that it is easy to effectively cut the top off a piece of audio a few seconds before it is played out. This happens on a pre-recorded as-live section during our live show. On the day that we have a new network switching system being trialled. And there is a practise fire drill mid transmission. During which Suzie Travel’s comms box goes down and emits just hum.  It’s all going great.

On the bright side, we have three important celebrity guests coming in to prerecord their interviews.  The first is the diminutive vintage comedic raconteur Reg Nisbett, for which I decide there is both practicality and comedy value to be had by running into the studio and lowering the guest mic and raising the chair before Reg arrives.  I make a bit of a song and dance about it to Dave and his sidekick Jim for their benefit.  They laugh.

Reg comes in wearing an eye-dazzling purple waistcoat.  He is really a lot shorter than I imagined.  I remain composed.  After we are done, Dave interviews the Hollywood child star that played Barry Trotter.  For this, I run in and reset the chair and mic to their normal height.

Once we’re done, I ask Starbooker who is coming in next.  It’s the dwarf comic actor Warren Jones” he says. “Are you serious?” I reply. “You could have at least booked them in height order!”

I decide there is further comedic and practical benefit in running through to the studio between guests and further lowering the mic and raising the chair.  Again, Dave and Jim seem to enjoy the gag. Then Warren arrives and he is much much smaller than I could have ever imagined.  He is delightful, and when he goes into the studio, I have a moment of panic when I think I might have set the chair too high for him to climb onto.  However, he has no problem at all and deftly jumps up.  The mic is still too high for him, but he has eye contact over the top, which is the main thing.

After we have finished Dave gets on the talkback to me.  ”I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! So, you came in and lowered the mic for Reg and then you had to come in and LOWER IT AGAIN for Warren.  You will remember this day forever!”, he says.

With a cheeky smile in my mind, I sincerely hope I do.