Pop Shield

In a cupboard in my house there is a big crate full of small musical instruments: harmonicas, ocarinas, wooden flutes, tambourines, bicycle horns, train whistles and so on. You never know when you might be in need of a vibraslap.

In this crate there is also a brass wooden handled school dinner bell that I bought for my wedding. Proper bells are expensive, this one was as cheap a brass bell as I could get.

After an endlessly tedious and drawn-out build-up, it’s finally time for the 2012 Epic Games to start. To mark the occasion, a famous artist has decreed that all the bells in a country should be rung as quickly and as loudly as possible for three minutes at 8.12am on the morning of the Games.

A couple of days before the event an email goes around from a member of Top Cat’s production team asking if anyone has any bells at home that they can borrow.

Naturally, I offer them several items including the school bell, a bicycle bell, some Indian ankle bells, a reception bell, an Indian tambourine, a collection of chocolate bunny and reindeer collar bells. My cat kindly donates four of his bell cage toys to the proceedings.

I wrap everything up in paper and put them in a cloth bag to prevent me clanging all the way in to work. I hand them over to Helen who seems pretty pleased, and she promises to return them safely.

It is 8.10am on the opening day on Nations Favourite. Retired gold medallist Dame Kerry Jones is a guest on the morning show. Top Cat asks her to try out her bell. I hear the pretty sound of my school bell over the airwaves. He then invites foxy-voiced News Schmu to ring hers, whereupon I hear the characteristic tinkle of my Indian dancing anklets.

It’s coming up to 8.12am and there’s an on-air countdown followed by Big London Clock. A cacophony of cowbells and bicycle bells and sleigh bells erupts, which segues into a pop song about a telephone ring. Personally, I would have gone for the ding-aling song, but hey.

At the end of the song Top Cat asks Dame Kerry “Did you enjoy that?”. “Yes”, she replies “But I must be stronger than I think – because the bell came apart!”. Oops, I think, my equipment is clearly not up the job. ”The bell is clapper-less!!” decrees Top Cat. He uses the incident to comment on Dame Kerry’s fine buff form and is soon asking about her current fitness regime.

“So, how was it?” I ask Helen after the show. “Great.” she replies. “Your bells were the star of the show. I’ll return them to you as soon as they arrive back from The Park. And if Dame Kerry really broke your bell, I’m going to break her!” she says.

“Oh, I wouldn’t do that!” I reply. “It’s a cheap bell and easily fixed” I say. “On the other hand, judging by those arm muscles, I suspect Dame Kerry is pretty indestructible.”

Later all my bells are all safely handed back to me, clappers intact. As far as I know Dame Kerry is still intact also.